I will never understand the world. I see it through my eyes. I touch it, smell its odours, listen to its macabre everyday symphony of hedonism and war, and taste its words and colours. I filter all the information I perceive, trying to match every single beam of its grey-zone reason-light to one of the pure, polished surfaces of my crystal-clear aspie brain. I try to find some kind of similarity to what I feel inside of my heart, inside my true love.
Why am I still rejected by society? Even worse: by my own familly? My husband? Why do I have to live in fear?
Well, maybe they won´t recognize what I call “love”, because they are the “normal” ones. Maybe because some other negative aspie traits shadow it, like meltdowns or anxiety. They will hurt my heart and my body just because I don´t fit their expectations. They will leave me behind, never setting me free, never trying to understand, never asking. And sometimes I won´t even understand what is really going on. This is when that Charlatans´song starts playing in my mind: “I don´t belong to this world, no more to better myself…”.
But this is the wrong way of thinking. I know. And I rethink about it, again and again, until it makes sense.
I love, and I have to love myself because I am different. Being different saved my life so many times, mostly because manipulation lives beween the lines – exactly where I can´t read. I´ve lost some opportunities, that´s true – but were they really worth it? As an aspie, it is hard to be somehow apart of society – yet, at the same time, so intensively immerse in the world. I guess within the world´s mechanism of existence lies a beautiful mystery.
I have the impression that aspies exist to bring some kind of balance to the world. Because love needs to be kept pure somewhere. This place is our aspie hearts.
One thing about aspie love is that it´s immense. Therefore it hurts so much to carry it in our hearts. I have so much love in my heart I have to pour it everywhere: over my sons, my songs, my texts, my work, a cat, an insect, a cloud, a decision. And I´ve learned with other aspies that it´s the same all over the world. We sacrifice ourselves within accurate reasoning, without senseless nebulous feelings. We are the ones behind the stage making the honest, selfless decisions, focusing on what is best for the human being right next to us, steering silently our lives with pure, intense love. We just can´t do it differently. It´s our nature.
But society has to lable everything. When we love too much: hyperfocus. When we feel so sorry for someone it hurts inside us, and we lose the courage to act: lack of empathy. When the rage against immorality bursts: meltdown. When we forgive them every single morning: naivety.
I see people making big decisions over disconnected dialogues, small talks, big money and endless cups of coffee, tea, glasses of bourbon, sex. They shake hands, dance, kill, decide our destinies but never love us. They smile and say they´re happy, despite of their wars, abuse, rejection, bullying, torture. They buy all those pretty things – and it´s never, ever enough.
Worst of all, it seems to make sense to everyone else – but not for me or the aspies I´ve met. Why does society agree with it? Society consider destruction a normal part of life. It isn´t – why is it so logical, so obvious to us?
But the world is still out there, moving, breathing, reproducing, despite of all evil. I don´t remember when was the last time I have watched the news. Why do they need to spread all that violence? Why do they even consider it interesting? What about those ultraviolent videogames? Where is their love? Why do they hide it, even though they keep saying the world still exists because of love?
I would risk to say: the world still exists because of our aspie love.
Humankind needs to develop in a more honest and less egoistic way, towards us, aspies, and itself. Would this development ever happen without our aspie love? I want to be part of an impulse to change today´s general mentality. Even though people say they don´t love me, because I am different. It´s not new for me: they will always leave me in the end, reject me, will never call to ask if I am still alive. But I don´t care. I want to be able to fight for us with love.
I can see something bigger than myself, and it is this love I need to put out in the world in the form of acts. This weird, colourful, too quiet yet intense and pure love I urge to pour over the world and – here´s the catch – with all the social difficulties I have to struggle, in every single minute of my life. People will never understand how difficult it is to for me to give a simple hug, a tiny grin, but they will see my love in my acts. Society may call it names, but I don´t care. Do you?
Yes, maybe this is our daily contribution to keep the world moving forward, giving it some space to develop meaningfully. We just do our parts quietly, lovingly, focused, purely.
And the world needs our aspie true love.
Just a thought.
About Paula Dassie
Paula Dassie is Brazilian and lives in Germany. She works as a publisher and translator for a German foundation, and has translated and reviewed more than 30 publications (books, magazines, website content), from German and English into Portuguese. She is also an indie author, graphic designer, visual artist, singer/songwriter (in 4 bands) and is an audio producer for a radio station. Paula volunteers as a reviewer, illustrator and desktop publisher in many projects. She lives with her husband, two sons, two tarantulas and a cat, and lives by the motto “love the unloved”. (Languages: Portuguese, German, English)